This book was given to me as a Christmas gift by Melissa's sister, Sarah. It took me awhile to get to it, mostly because it found it's way to a hiding space on my bookshelf and I didn't notice it for several months. This is a memoir and it was very funny. I laughed out loud several times and felt compelled to read aloud to my partner on several occasions, something which she finds extremely annoying and something which I try really hard not to do. But I couldn't resist. And I can't resist now either. As I skimmed through the book to find a good and reasonably short passage to quote here, just to show you how funny it is, I have again laughed out loud several times. Melissa has expressed some concern . . . "Pumpkin? What's going on over there?" I never laugh when I'm reading.
At any rate, here's my reading aloud to you . . .
"I was going down big-time.
It all happened very slowly.
I felt the THUD as I hit the floor, facedown.
I felt the dust settle around me.
'Oh my God!' I heard my husband yell, standing in the bathroom not two feet away from me. 'Are you all right?'
I have told him before NOT to try and communicate with me if it appears that I am in pain, because I cannot be responsible for what flies out of my mouth. I guess he just forgot.
'JESUS, I HATE YOU YOU STUPID ASSHOLE,' is apparently what I replied.
Don't think I'm mean; he has that rule too. I learned it one day after he was lying on the couch and our special-needs dog jumped up on him and inadvertently almost popped the family jewels like they were ripe little figs.
He suddenly looked as if he had inhaled a golfball, staggered off the couch, threw a matchbook at the dog, uttered the words 'KILL THE BAD THING!' and then stumbled into the kitchen. I followed quickly behind in case I needed to get the bag of frozen peas for an ice pack, but as I turned the corner, I saw him squatting on the floor with his hands on his head, pulling out his hair. Without turning his head, he growled, 'Don't look at me! Don't look at me!' and continued to rock back and forth like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Sympathetically I tried to feel his agony. I guessed that it came kind of close to the time that my husband's friend was drunk at a party and decided to show us how well she Riverdanced. At the precise time that we heard her ankle crack and she crumpled into a heap, her cigarette flew from her hand and burned a big, brown hole in my brand new irregular Kate Spade purse that I got for ten dollars at a clearance center but pretended in my head that I paid full price for, making me superior and special. I'm not sure whose howls were louder, mine or the Riverdancer with the splintered bones, but I learned at that moment that agony doesn't have to be physical to rip your elitist soul right out of you body.
So I understood and just whispered, 'Peas are in the freezer under the 10 pound brisket you were going to take on that camping trip and eat off of for six days but couldn't fit into your back pack and is now costing us ten dollars a month keep frozen,' and tiptoed back in the living room to watch TV.
I am a great wife."
It's been a great Christmas present.
Many thanks Sarah!
6 comments:
Would you characterize the humor here as slapstick?
I wonder why it is that pain can be so funny . . .
yes i think this humor was slapstick. and funny you should mention it because haven't we had a discussion on your blog about writing slapstick comedy? I'm going back to check now . . . Apparently not. When did we have that discussion?
Did you actually think this passage was funny? I wouldn't have anticipated that it would have been your type of humor. Perhaps I'm wrong . . .
I thought it was funny. I love reading a book that makes me laugh out loud and have recently read one that worked the magic repeatedly: The Yiddish Policeman's Union by Michael Chabon. It was passed on to me by your baby brother.
Why do I keep getting left out of the Dad-Brian reading loop?
It didn't hit my funny bone and I don't remember having a conversation with you about slapstick comedy. Perhaps that was a conversation you heard on an episode Friends?
i didn't think it would hit your funny bone. alas, you're so discriminating!
As for my friends on Friends and our discussions of slapstick, you're exactly right! Monica and I were talking about it the day that we had to realphabatize her cabinets because Rachel had gotten drunk and tried to cook truffle for Joey and in the process had totally destroyed everything that Monica had worked so hard to organize. Good times. Man I love those guys!
Post a Comment